Your Fratoscope: May 31, 2015
on May 31, 2015 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: Your Dead Kennedys themed birthday is very punk, but upsets your grandma because she remembers being one of their groupies for awhile.
Aries: Your researching into a unifying theory and time travel causes one of your 2nd cousins to disappear.
Taurus: The most delicious beef jerky you’ve ever had, turns out to be a mummified rat someone left in a Ziploc bag near your pantry.
Gemini: Some aliens will abduct you, but refuse to anally probe you until you wash your ass crack better.
Lemini: You forget to wear your bullet proof vest, which turns out to be for the best, since you get stabbed this week.
Cancer: Your Dungeons & Dragons characters comes to life and insists you move out of your parents’ basement.
Leo: Your doctor advises you that your caffeine intake is now so high, drinking coffee actually dilutes it in your blood.
Virgo: Your recipe for banana bread creates the Pillsbury Doughboy’s evil twin, Malichai.
Libra: You’ll have a spring in your step all this week until the doctor finally gets around to removing it for you.
Scorpio: Your STD’s will all be laying low, so get to Ok Cupid pronto!
Sagittarius: The stars say, the love of your life will be on vacation with the guy she’ll actually marry, so catch up on some work.
Capricorn: You’ll will eat three bags of marshmallows and then cry yourself to sleep just as you’ve done every week.
Aquarius: The ghosts of John Lennon and George Harrison will visit you, smoke all your pot and then tell you that Ringo will pay for it.
Pisces: You’ll finally watch something on Netflix to justify the $80 you blew on it the last 10 months.