Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake will look like a giant fortune cookie, but no one will tell you about the giant fortune and you’ll be forced to pick it out of everyone’s poo later to read it.  Your fortune will read, “You have OCD”.

Aries:  Some Mafia-looking guys come to your place of business and say, “It would be shame if anything were to happen to your store,” but it turns out they are genuinely concerned.

Taurus:  Your basement floods, mixing together all your vintage packages from your antique Kool-Aid collection.

Gemini:  The cops will warn you of a serial killer in your neighborhood, but you won’t think you killed nearly that many people.

Lemini:  Your cousin O.D.’s on mint extract, causing the cemetery to smell minty-fresh at his funeral.

Cancer:  You’ll spend a day at the beach when your Range Rover jumps the guard rail on a bridge down the shore.

Leo:  This week, the possums in your backyard will rumble with the bunnies and they will all be carrying adorable switchblades, axes and chains.

Virgo:  Your grocer will insist that you shower before coming to the store, which doesn’t seem fair to you since your grocer is an Irish Setter.

Libra:  You will get a wonderful surprise thrown through you front window.  It’s pieces of an iPad!

Scorpio:  You’ll bang.  It’s what you do.

Sagittarius:  Your chilli is so spicy, it sends everyone’s taste buds back in time.  Unfortunately, that means you and your friends will taste nothing but dinosaur ass for the rest of your lives.

Capricorn:  Facebook will change your status to “No one cares”.

Aquarius:  You will gain the nickname “Stuckey” after you accidently glue your fly closed.

Pisces:  You will gain the ability to predict the future, but unfortunately your first prediction will be that you’ll lose the power.