Your 4th of July Fratoscope
on July 5, 2015 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: Your roommate gets you a sick amount of fireworks for your birthday, but sits them too close to your birthday cake. Still, everyone in the burn ward wishes you a happy one.
Aries: You will stand and watch a parade while wondering, “What the fuck am I doing?”
Taurus: You’ll check again, but Game of Thrones isn’t on, just Vince Vaughn.
Gemini: You’ll come to the realization that if your air conditioning stopped, you’d die.
Lemini: You’ll run over the unexploded fireworks with your lawnmower and blow it up in a colorful display.
Cancer: You’ll miss something super important playing your fucking iPad game again.
Leo: You’ll lose badly in a virtual casino game you downloaded and then get threats from the virtual Mafia running it if you don’t come up with the virtual cash.
Virgo: Your old grammar school bully shows up to your house and demands that you do his taxes, mow his lawn and take his wife out to dinner.
Libra: You’ll wake up on some pool noodles in the middle of a field several dozen miles from the July 4th barbecue you attended with no shoes.
Scorpio: You’ll be asked to leave the supermarket after sexually harassing the produce.
Sagittarius: The stars say, your racist jokes aren’t “edgy”, so doing a five minute set in front of your family is a really bad idea.
Capricorn: You’ll realize your phone was off the hook the entire time and you wasted Comcast’s time trying to fix the problem, but you won’t feel bad about it.
Aquarius: The only fireworks you’ll experience is out of your ass after entering a ghost pepper eating contest.
Pisces: You’ll save 40% off of all merchandise at Geek4Geek!