Your Fratoscope: July 26, 2015
on July 26, 2015 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: It’s your birthday, so take the week off. Your boss is going to fire you anyway.
Aries: You will greet the morning with a pan flute song because Zamfir broke into your house.
Taurus: You’ll punch an ostrich today because someone today you it’s “National Punch an Ostrich Day”, but it turns out that holiday isn’t until the winter.
Gemini: You’ll deal off the bottom of the deck in your Uno game.
Lemini: You’ll eat some exotic spices but really won’t enjoy them until they come out.
Cancer: The stars say, your fake mustache will not fool the border patrol because you’re wearing a dress.
Leo: Your feet will smell like Fritos this week.
Virgo: The ghost of Thomas Jefferson demands to know why you don’t use two dollar bills.
Scorpio: You’ll bang the mini-mart clerk, but still won’t get a discount on Slurpees.
Sagittarius: You’ll be hit in the face by an errant Frisbee.
Capricorn: You’ll exceed your personal best for the number of times you pee your pants this week.
Aquarius: You have the gift. Unfortunately, it’s to predict farts in other people.
Pisces: You’ll eat some alligator. It’ll taste like beefy shrimp.