Your Fratoscope: August 2, 2015
on August 2, 2015 at 2:10 amIf your birthday is this week: On the way to your birthday cake, you’ll walk face first into a spiderweb, flail about helplessly and knock your cake to the ground. Later, you’ll notice a spider enjoying floor cake.
Aries: You’ll adjust a picture in photoshop to put your ex’s face on a donkey, you petty, petty person.
Taurus: You’ll shit in the woods. Afterwards, you’ll find a bear impatiently waiting to take your spot.
Gemini: Gandalf the Grey will push you down, steal your Magic Cards and call you a nerd.
Lemini: You’re not getting fat, your dry cleaner has been slowly letting in all your garments.
Cancer: Your World of Warcraft character sues you for neglect.
Leo: The stars say, leave that scab alone, you’ll make the wound bleed and it’s on another person anyway.
Virgo: You’ll confuse your pasta.
Scorpio: The Smithsonian contacts you as a consult for their Victorian Age sex toy collection.
Sagittarius: A ninja will attack you in Starbucks, but only because you almost pick up his latte by mistake.
Capricorn: Your ITunes update tells you it’s time to find a better shirt and pants combo.
Aquarius: The ghost of Rowdy Roddy Piper will scream at you, “Put on the sunglasses!”
Pisces: Your evil twin will retire and give you all his extra clothes.