Your Fratoscope: August 23, 2015
on August 23, 2015 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: Your birthday cake will read, “Something generic. I don’t want to spend a lot of money.”
Aries: You will be mistaken for a Taurus, which is bad because Tauruses are likely to get stabbed this week.
Taurus: You’ll continue practicing knife juggling.
Gemini: Your SO will break up with you while reading off a teleprompter.
Lemini: Amtrak adds a new “Fat Train” to tow your sorry ass around.
Cancer: The stars say, it’s too late to sell your Jared Fogle autographed picture.
Leo: The ghost of Kirk Douglas will come to you and explain he’s not dead.
Virgo: Don’t drink that soda. The empty space inside the bottle is mostly factory worker fart.
Scorpio: The Trojan company alerts you that they’re trying to catch up to production quotas and would like for you to take a week off.
Sagittarius: You’ll get drunk and discover the joys of a pizza blanket and trying to wash melted cheese out of your hair.
Capricorn: You’ll wake up with a goat and worse, the goat will offer you cab fare.
Aquarius: You’ll discover on a fishing trip that your overly tan skin can be used as survival jerky.
Pisces: You’ll discover that you can go back in time, but only to watch the second season of True Detective again.
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