Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  Your pet eagle, predictably, gets you another decapitated deer and a gift certificate for iTunes.

Aries:  You will reap the wind when one of your farts blows back into your face.

Taurus:  You’ll spot mommy kissing Santa Claus in his crotch, but your presents will be awesome.

Gemini:  You will be forced to switch your regular donut with a stunt donut.

Lemini:  You’ll find Jeb Bush crying on your porch, begging you to vote for him.

Cancer:  The stars say, ignore climate change because a meteor is going to wipe out everyone anyway.

Leo:  Get started on that project this week because of the holidays, your procrastination will go unnoticed.

Virgo:  One of Santa’s elves will ask you for sanctuary and make you very uncomfortable offering sexual acts for the favor.

Libra:  You’ll later regret licking that thing you’re licking.

Scorpio:  You’ll get an unexpected boner…from your mailman.

Sagittarius:  You’ll hear a noise on Christmas, go down stairs and end up shooting a very surprised Batman in a Santa hat.

Capricorn:  You’ll get a stocking full of DNA…which is what a puppy is made of you perv.

Aquarius:  You’re so broke, the credit card company rep slaps you after looking over your application.

Pisces:  Santa will find and smoke all your weed.  You’ll find him watching TV, eating cookies and giggling, while the Eastern Seaboard wonders where their presents are.