Your Fratoscope: January 3, 2016
on January 3, 2016 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: Most of the guests of your birthday party will still be hungover, so everyone will whisper “Surprise.”
Aries: You’ll read your future, but then dismiss it because you read it on a comedy site.
Taurus: The stars say, you’ll accurately predict that Donald Trump’s VP will be his toupee.
Gemini: The impatient ninja ahead of you in line in Starbucks will kill the barista with a throwing star for putting too much caramel in his Venti Mocha-Caramel Cappuccino Latte.
Lemini: You’ll win 2nd place in a “Best Looking Dog” contest.
Cancer: In the middle of loaning someone your pants, you’ll realize you went commando.
Leo: This week, whenever you look out the window, the plastic pink flamingos move a little closer.
Virgo: You’ll need to borrow some pants from a Cancer.
Libra: You’ll find out that “mustache ride” doesn’t mean what you think it does in Mario Brothers.
Scorpio: You’ll purchase an extraordinary sensual cheese this week.
Sagittarius: Things get crazy at work and coincidentally, the water cooler is spiked with LSD.
Capricorn: Your parents will continue to pressure you to be at least as successful as their family pet.
Aquarius: A very talented monkey will steal your Vespa.
Pisces: Your week will be full of ups and downs, plus you’ll finally use up all those rollercoaster coupons.