Your Fratoscope: January 10, 2015
on January 10, 2016 at 1:13 amIf your birthday is this week: The stars say, call the cops. That’s not a surprise party waiting inside, someone is robbing your place. The stars would’ve done it, but the stars don’t want to get involved.
Aries: Your gum themed restaurant will be a failure.
Taurus: Oh, God! You didn’t buy the lottery ticket and all your numbers came out! Oh, God!
Gemini: You game of Candyland ends in a Beer Pong tournament, which then ends in a fist fight.
Lemini: You will pursue your love until you catch the runaway pizza.
Cancer: Someone will give you a business card, but all it will say is, “This is just a distraction, I walked away while you were reading this.”
Leo: You will find your happy place, but it will be closed for the season.
Virgo: This week, you’ll discover that getting that getting that horrible tattoo in 8th grade hurt your credit score.
Libra: You’ll be disappointed to find out that there is no hoverboard championship race.
Scorpio: You’ll have sex with a meter maid, which is easier than interpreting the parking signs in your city.
Sagittarius: You’ll be haunted by the ghost of Frosty the Snowman, who will demand to know why it’s so hot in January.
Capricorn: You will dance like no one is watching, but get arrested because lots of people were watching and very disturbed.
Aquarius: You’ll finally rake those leaves.
Pisces: You’ll finally rake those leaves from 2014.