Your Fratoscope: February 7, 2016
on February 7, 2016 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: Your party clown is funny, but he insists on working with no pants.
Aries: Your barbecue sauce doesn’t sell because it’s mostly made of cough syrup.
Taurus: You will find Captain America pulling his shield out of your windshield and he’ll insist he saw the Red Skull in your hatchback, but you know he’s lying.
Gemini: You’ll assure your chef that you’re not part of the bourgeois class.
Lemini: You’ll accidentally point your TV remote at the microwave and refreeze your burrito.
Cancer: The stars say, you cannot use your horoscope as a deductible.
Leo: You will drunk dial Vladimir Putin.
Virgo: Your friend will mistake a traffic sign for a horoscope.
Libra: Slow children at play.
Scorpio: You’ll get locked inside a closet, but fortunately, your sex toy is able to vibrate the lock off.
Sagittarius: This week, watch out for vampires. One of them is going to leave a Chinese food menu under your windshield.
Capricorn: Your pizza will have a cry for help spelled out in pepperoni, but since you’re vegan you send it back.
Aquarius: Your monkey escapes and steals your identity. Now you owe Chaquita ten grand.
Pisces: You’ll discover that porn fails aren’t as funny as regular fails.