Your Valentine’s Day Fratoscope
on February 14, 2016 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: You will get laid on your birthday, but it will be a dead giveaway to your guests when you come back to your party with the clown’s make up in your lap.
Aries: Your contraception fails, but did you really think that Wonder Bread wrapper was going to hold?
Taurus: That box of chocolates will get you laid, but with the CVS clerk where you purchased it, not with your SO.
Gemini: You’ll spend Valentine’s spooning someone, it just depends on which cell they put you in.
Lemini: Cupid will accidentally hit you in the eye, which is probably why you get skull fucked later that day.
Cancer: You will get plenty of Valentine’s Day cards, all from those sex dolls you used to own.
Leo: The bad news is, the maid will walk in while you’re having sex. The good news is, she’ll get off with the both you minutes later.
Virgo: You won’t get any this V-Day, unless you count what your dog does to your leg while you sleep.
Libra: You will find a trail of rose petals leading to your cable TV guy installer’s van.
Scorpio: The stars say, you’ll get laid and the stars will totally watch it.
Sagittarius: Barry White’s ghost rises from the grave to be your wingman this week.
Capricorn: You will make drunken sweet love to a standee of Taylor Swift.
Aquarius: Your Valentine’s Day date is extremely sexy until you accidentally swallow the key to the handcuffs.
Pisces: You really should’ve started shopping for a Valentine’s Day gift earlier than ten minutes after reading this.