Your Fratoscope: March 6, 2016
on March 6, 2016 at 12:44 amIf your birthday is this week: Your birthday party at the trampoline park ends with your fat ass being escorted out. Why did you wear cleats?
Aries: You discover CFI stands for “Colossal Fucking Idiot”, so you probably should get rid of those monogram pajamas.
Taurus: This week, customers discover that your app is actually just a sticker affixed to the screen of their iPhones.
Gemini: You make a joke at the cashier’s expense at KFC and they imply they deep fry something other than chicken. Now who’s an asshole?
Lemini: You rehab meeting ends at an opium den again.
Cancer: Your Uber driver will offer you free massages until you get out of the car.
Leo: You will discover that you have a fetish for Cajun spice.
Virgo: Your credit card will be declined, but you didn’t need to buy that life-sized statue of Kim Kardashian anyway.
Libra: The stars say, you’ll need change for a twenty and possibly some body armor this week. It’s going to be busy.
Scorpio: You will have a sexual dream about the Michelin Man.
Sagittarius: You will discover after 18 Jello shots, you’ll pretty much give anyone a handjob.
Capricorn: You’ll eat a record-setting amount of barbecue sauce, not for the record, just because you like it.
Aquarius: You will change your horoscope sign to one that more closely resembles your personality.
Pisces: Donald Trump will continue to call, but you’ll continue to duck him until he picks another VP.
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