Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday will be totally badass, so be prepared to kill some ninjas, then be prepared to explain yourself to the families of those actors playing ninjas at your surprise party.

Aries:  You invent the emoji for ennui.

Taurus:  Your attempts to impersonate the Colonel does not get you free chicken at KFC.

Gemini:  The stars say, give back to the community and return that stolen gazebo.

Lemini:  Your yogurt will have an eyeball at the bottom.

Cancer:  Your gangsta-themed Easter baskets sell poorly.

Leo:  You will be struck violently by a rare, but delicious kind of cheese this week.

Virgo:  Your drunken shenanigans get you barred from the nursery school forever.

Libra:  This week, make you the priority like you do every waking minute of every day.

Scorpio:  You will invent a sensual golf stance.

Sagittarius:  Get off the couch today and get out there, it’s the only way those couch lice will be able to spread outside your house.

Capricorn:  Your cat will sue you for malpractice.

Aquarius:  The mayor of your town will give you the key to the city, which he’ll ask you to rob so you can get some cool stuff for your town.

Pisces:  Batman shows up to your birthday party, but insists he must eat his cake while crouching in the darkness.