Your Fratoscope: April 24, 2016
on April 24, 2016 at 2:14 amIf your birthday is this week: Your birthday cake will be delivered by a Spiderman sporting a huge erection under his costume. He really likes cake, apparently.
Aries: Your angry roommate boils rubber bands with your ramen noodles.
Taurus: Your pizza topping will spell out the lyrics to a Metallica song, so the band sues you for half the slices.
Gemini: The stars say, they can see you when you take a shit through that skylight.
Lemini: Your TV will decide that you’re watching too much nudity and violence. Enjoy PBS for the next six weeks.
Cancer: You’ll discover that living like the Fast & Furious characters really makes your car insurance go up.
Leo: This week, you’ll be injured by a breadstick wielding waiter.
Virgo: You will suddenly realize that the cast from the Blair Witch Project has been standing in your apartment this entire time.
Libra: A gorilla will escape from the zoo, break into your apartment and play your video games.
Scorpio: You will discover a new sex position on a public bus.
Sagittarius: Take your time at work, your boss is going to fire your anyway.
Capricorn: Your doctor advises you to take it ease masturbating before you permanently damage your wrists.
Aquarius: A total stranger will point at your haircut and laugh uproariously, so yes, go with the hat.
Pisces: John Kasich calls to ask for your vote and the phone call ends with him crying.