Your Fratoscope: June 5, 2016
on June 5, 2016 at 1:35 amIf your birthday is this week: Your friends will take you out of a very fancy restaurant for your birthday, but none of them ever come back from the bathroom after the bill arrives.
Aries: Your sexy lingerie photo shoot goes awry when the cops find out you stole the lingerie and you’re taking photos of it all by itself.
Taurus: You will taste some delicious gum but the person whose seat you removed it from will give you dirty looks.
Gemini: You’ll drink a soda that tastes like pants.
Lemini: The stars say, shut up. The stars are sick of your shit.
Cancer: This week, try and relax, there’s no sense fighting it if you’ve already been roofied.
Leo: You’ll sit in the theater, sit through several commercials, various interludes, five movie previews and forget what fucking movie you came to see.
Virgo: You’ll play Vegas Solitaire on your computer and end up owing Microsoft $10,000.
Libra: You realize your bowling score would’ve been higher had you not attempted to bowl with a homemade ball made from a watermelon.
Scorpio: You work hard, you play hard and you’ve probably taken way too much Viagra again.
Sagittarius: Donald Trump will come to your house, break a bunch of your stuff and tell you “It would be a shame if your vote got wasted on someone else.”
Capricorn: Have some gum, your breath stinks.
Aquarius: You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill and it’s really upset the moles.
Pisces: Muhammad Ali’s ghost comes to you and assures you it’s too soon to make a joke about him because he’s too great.