Your Fratoscope: June 26, 2016
on June 26, 2016 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: Bernie Sanders shows up to the bar to buy you and your friends drinks, then insists the government pay the tab.
Aries: The stars say, stop using “Brexit” as a verb.
Taurus: You will punch some kind of a farm animal in a fit of rage and because it beat you in Stratego.
Gemini: This week, pay homage to the previous generation by digging up their graves and defiling their corpses just like they did to the generation before that.
Lemini: You’ll be called a “racist” for your political views and because you keep dressing up like a ghost.
Cancer: You’ll be recruited to the Philadelphia Sixers after successfully identifying a basketball.
Leo: Peter Dinklage will pick your pocket as he rides by on his razor scooter.
Virgo: The animals in your lab get super smart and demand James Franco star in a movie with them.
Libra: Your pet gorilla shaves himself and gets a job working for the Trump campaign.
Scorpio: You will make sweet love to a robot, but afterwards it automatically calls you on your cellphone ever .2 seconds.
Sagittarius: Clean out your fridge. Seriously.
Capricorn: Your Russian mail-order bride comes damaged in the mail, so all she does is limp around in circles in your living room.
Aquarius: Your GPS might be trying to kill you by making you drive into dangerous neighborhoods and spelling out racial slurs in Morse Code using your car’s horn.
Pisces: You’ll correctly predict the ending of Game of Thrones and ruin the show for yourself.