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If your birthday is this week:  The pizza guy sings you the Happy Birthday song, but won’t pretend he bought you the presents you bought yourself.

Aries:  You will fart into a p.a. system at an auto dealership.

Taurus:  The stars say, your date climbed out the window of the bathroom and stole your car.

Gemini:  This week, get ready for excitement because the guy that changed your oil bled your brakes by mistake.

Lemini:  You will be rejected for membership in a local cult.

Cancer:  A group of boy scouts will help you walk into traffic.

Leo:  You’ll accidentally win a bronze medal in track running away from the cops on your trip to Brazil.

Virgo:  In your rush to get ready in the morning, you will accidentally use spray cheese as deodorant.

Libra:  A drunken Santa will show up at your house, throw some presents on your front lawn and scream “Finally!”

Scorpio:  Your garbage men offer you a spare trashcan just for your extra used condoms.

Sagittarius:  You connect spiritually to an online Internet meme about toasters.

Capricorn:  You’ll get nothing but coconut in your next Whitman’s Sampler.

Aquarius:  Aliens will kidnap you, but instead of anally probing you, they just give you better clothes and send you on your way.

Pisces:  You’ll make the third greatest sandwich of all time, but only the 47th greatest side salad.