Your Labor Day Fratoscope
on September 4, 2016 at 1:12 pm
If your birthday is this week: The Batman impersonator at your party will be kidnapped by a scary clown in purple and green, who has a surprising number of henchmen with him.
Aries: You’ll discover that all the snails in your garden are really drunk.
Taurus: This week, prepare yourself for change because a nearby vending machine company will explode.
Gemini: Casper the friendly ghost will haunt you for six weeks, singing a god damned song about friendship.
Lemini: Your fortune cookie will read, “Are you still eating cookies, you fat fuck?”
Cancer: You’ll drink a surprising amount of olive oil this week.
Leo: The stars say, it’s fine to masturbate at online porn at home, just not at the Starbucks.
Virgo: Your Labor Day festivities are a lot like your daily activities of getting high and eating hotdogs.
Libra: You will lose your shoes during a fancy dinner at your parents’ house.
Scorpio: You will discover that barbecue sauce stings when used as a sexual lubricant.
Sagittarius: You will sit on a particularly attractive pie.
Capricorn: Terrorist birds will threaten your back yard, but you won’t take it seriously until the bird seed bell explodes.
Aquarius: The bread in your sandwich will be recalled halfway through lunch.
Pisces: You’ll forget to update your blog and not to cosplay as Harley Quinn like you promised your therapist.