Your Fratoscope: November 13, 2016
on November 13, 2016 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: Donald Trump stops by your birthday party and takes a huge slice of cake for a new “birthday tax” he’s imposing.
Aries: You’ll start stalking your turkey for Thanksgiving, eyeing him across a field, pointing at your eyes and then to his.
Taurus: You’ll spend most of the week high, but you can’t be sure.
Gemini: The stars say, you get more flies with honey than vinegar, but the stars also say, why the fuck do you want flies?
Lemini: Your Hillary stickers, sign and hats finally arrive in the mail.
Cancer: You’ll masturbate until your hands are sore, your genitals chapped and your picture of Rob Lowe is sticky and moist.
Leo: This week at breakfast, your pancakes will be shaped like the face of Jesus and your bacon like the legs of Jonah Hill.
Virgo: Batman will rescue you from some muggers and then ask you to fill out a Justice League comment card. You’ll decline.
Libra: You’ll lose at Solitaire and owe yourself over eight thousand dollars.
Scorpio: You’ll turn the newspaper boy into a newspaper man.
Sagittarius: Don’t bother throwing out that old lasagna now, in another week it grows an appendage and crawls away.
Capricorn: After sharing your political views, you’ll get a Facebook request to STFU.
Aquarius: Your dog finally comes clean and reveals that he peed on the carpet and owes Russian gangsters money he can’t pay.
Pisces: You’ll awakened refreshed all week, but then realize you keep getting visited by the molester gnomes in your sleep.