Your Christmas Fratoscope
on December 25, 2016 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: Santa invoices you for making him also delivery your birthday gifts.
Aries: An elf will wake you up at 3 am and beg you to hide him from his cruel task master, Santa.
Taurus: A close friend will drink over nogged egg nog, but fortunately you’ll get them to nutmeg in time.
Gemini: Your pyramid scheme will be revealed and several angry mummies will attempt to sue.
Lemini: Your stocking are not hung by the chimney with care, so they fall into the fire.
Cancer: Your Secret Santa will insist on keeping you under surveillance throughout 2017.
Leo: The stars say, Jesus will not bring you pizza no matter how much you pray.
Virgo: You’ll accidentally donate all your prank gifts to “Toys for Tots”.
Libra: This year, you’ll notice Santa’s lap is awfully damp.
Scorpio: You’ll make sweet love to an elf in the dark, but realize later it’s just lawn decoration.
Sagittarius: Your feast of the seven fishes is only approved by six of the seven fish you invite.
Capricorn: You’ll finally bribe your way off the Naughty list.
Aquarius: Your gingerbread men will demand you bake gingerbread strippers.
Pisces: You’ll get your Christmas wish early as the election of 2016 finally fucking ends.