Your Super Bowl Fratoscope
on February 5, 2017 at 12:01 amIf your birthday is this week: STFU until the game is over! Who cares how old you are!
Aries: You’ll face a lot of heartbreak and strife this week, mainly because you’re a Falcons fan.
Taurus: Your three bean dip will be the source for many stinky farts and several nasty sharts, so put down some plastic over your couch.
Gemini: You’ll discover that no matter how close you get to the TV, you can’t tell if Brady deflated the ball or not.
Lemini: This year, you’ll spend less time masturbating during the half time show, mostly because of all the people in the room that are watching the game with you.
Cancer: You’ll discover that guacamole is a poor projectile to throw at the ref on your TV.
Leo: You’ll realize that your bet on the Patriots isn’t valid, because that guy you met in a Subway isn’t a licensed bookie or wallet inspector.
Virgo: Your attempt to call Tom Brady to tell him to do a lateral pass is met with voice mail again.
Libra: Your attempt to upstage Gaga’s half time show by wearing meat goes over well.
Scorpio: After many years, your porn watching is actually slowing down the Internet by 1%, give your genitals a rest.
Sagittarius: You’ll find yourself peeing in a trough, then realize you’re home in your living room and that you have to pee trough in your house.
Capricorn: Your guests will notice that your nachos are nothing but nacho-shaped piece of cardboard.
Aquarius: The stars say, 21-17 Patriots over the Falcons.
Pisces: You’ll be able to run all your errands with no traffic whatsoever.