Your Fratoscope: May 7, 2017
on May 7, 2017 at 1:55 amIf your birthday is this week: Dozens of people will attend your birthday party and they will be the nicest people your parents ever hired.
Aries: You’ll develop a crush on a popular soft drink, which will end in a restraining order keeping you away from its vending machines.
Taurus: The stars say, prepare to get served!
Gemini: After throwing a paper airplane out your office window, you’ll be arrested by the TSA.
Lemini: You’ll discover that beef jerky underwear starts to smell really meaty after about ten minutes.
Cancer: You’ll be asked to poop somewhere else.
Leo: This week, you’ll be forced to take accordion lessons.
Virgo: Your pizza arrives three years late, but they honor you coupon.
Libra: Your drink so much Red Bull during Finals week, you wake up at the beginning of the Fall semester again.
Scorpio: You’ll finally test the limits of how many marital aids you can place inside your body at once.
Sagittarius: Unlike the animated movie, the rat under your chef hat only pulls your head and bites your head.
Capricorn: The ghost of Benjamin Franklin borrows your phone to browse Tinder.
Aquarius: The cop won’t give you a ticket, but you’ll have to promise to read his Game of Thrones Fan Fiction.
Pisces: You Pokemon on Pokemon Go app make a lot of crazy demands and then you’ll realize that you’ve been playing Tinder for an hour.