Your Fourth of July Fratoscope
on July 2, 2017 at 4:11 amIf your birthday is this week: Your birthday candles will explode to celebrate the birth of our country and embed jimmies under your skin for the rest of your days.
Aries: George Washington will come back from the grave to celebrate the holiday and Donald Trump will call him a pussy on Twitter.
Taurus: Your red, white and blue hotdog is gross. No one wants whipped cream and blueberries on a hotdog.
Gemini: The stars say, no one will appreciate your red, white and blue thong at the funeral procession.
Lemini: The ghost of Thomas Jefferson tells Democrats to stop fucking talking about Russia.
Cancer: You will find a real copy of the Declaration of Independence, but it contains several paragraphs that make it illegal to announce spoilers to a movie, so it may not be authentic.
Leo: The spirit of Thomas Paine will appear to you, but you won’t even know who he is, so he’ll just kick you in the nuts.
Virgo: You’ll be possessed by Betsy Ross and attempt to impose a trademark on the American flag.
Libra: Your fireworks display is a tribute to America, mostly because you do it illegally on tribal land.
Scorpio: You’ll have sex with several members of Congress because you figuring they’re fucking everyone in the country anyway.
Sagittarius: You’ll visit Philadelphia to see where the birth of our nation took place and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Capricorn: This week, you’ll understand why you shouldn’t smoke a cigar while carrying a paper bag full of illegal fireworks.
Aquarius: You’ll discover a first draft of the Bill of Rights, which includes the right to “have a beer after work, but before you hear any of the wife’s bullshit”.
Pisces: You’ll petition Congress to make your driveway the 51st state, but the bill dies in committee.