Super Frat

Movies are expensive and they take time.  Time is money and when it comes to that, I’m broke, so I’m not going to waste my time on some dumbass movie.  That’s why I do judge a book by it’s cover.  This is Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies.

American Made:  Tom Cruise is running to or from something.  It’s another 80’s, Narcos, guy-runs-drugs movies back when running drugs were “fun” I guess.  To me, Tom Cruise is always great in roles where he’s an asshole, like Rainman.  In this, you have to root for him.  I’m waiting for cable.  Pass.

Flatliners:  I saw the original Flatliners and it wasn’t that good.  Part of the reason it wasn’t that good is that the premise doesn’t make much sense to people who understand basic biology.  My brain insists on passing.

A Question of Faith:  God stuff.  No.  No way.  If God wants me to see this, he’ll align the forces to allow me to see it for free.

My Little Pony: The Movie:  So many reasons not to see this movie.  Mainly that why the fuck WOULD I want to see this?  I’m a grown man.  A grown man who’d rather not be lumped in with the “Bronies” who come out to see this.  *shudder*

Mother!  I’m going to call it.  Despite the awesome cast including Jennifer Lawrence, this looks like a rich person’s attempt at a weird horror movie.  I also wouldn’t buy Lawrence as the “weak-willed” woman in this story, which from the trailer, she looks like that kind of character.  Good to see Michelle Pfeiffer get work though.

Insidious: The Last Key:  Finally.  No.

Geostorm:  Was Renny Harlin too busy to direct this?  No.

Same Kind of Different as Me:  What?  No.  Wait, Greg Kinear?  Oh, then definitely, no.

Jigsaw:  This isn’t even scraping the bottom of the barrel.  This is like, moving the barrel out of the way and scraping the floor underneath where the barrel was sitting.  I mean, why don’t they just call it it “We Kill a Lot of People 8 or 9 or 10” or whatever they’re up to now?  I literally wouldn’t see if this movie if you paid me.  Okay, you’d have to pay me a lot, but seriously, if you’re a fan of the Saw franchise—  You’d really ought to rethink about your entire life and where it’s headed.  That you would revel in this kind of pain, gore and nonsense.  After I go see a movie with friends, I like to go to a diner and discuss the movie.  What would you discuss here?  It would be like 14 year-old boys talking about Jason or Freddy.  “Ooo!  Did you see when that guy got killed!  So much blood!”  It’s really just torture porn.  I mean, when Hollywood beats a franchise to death to squeeze out every last dollar, I get that.  But when it’s this kind of movie, it’s just really sad and disturbing.  Horror is really a separate thing and this movie smells like it’s about to reboot the entire Saw franchise under a different name.  We get it, fanboys, you like Jigsaw (who is really just a version of the Joker sans Batman), but you’re not supposed to root for him.  He’s bad.

I mean, this line up is just sad.  $8 a month at Netflix and I can watch all the half-assed shitty movies, a few documentaries and TV shows too.  I mean, seriously, movies are really becoming newspapers at this point.  Wake me for the next Avengers tie-in.  I’m out.