Your Last 2018 Fratoscope
on December 30, 2018 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: You’ll get 17 calendars this year, a new record.
Aries: The stars say, for the last time let it go. Trump won in 2016.
Taurus: In an attempt to get rid of all their Christmas leftovers, you’ll find that your mother filled your pockets with egg nog.
Gemini: A hungover Santa will emerge from the guest room with your sister and promise to call her.
Lemini: You’ll finally kiss someone on New Year’s and won’t everyone on the prison bus be surprised!
Cancer: Your Tinder date will request a urine sample and enough information to run a credit check.
Leo: Two wacky burglars break into your house after you accidentally leave your kid home on a family vacation, but instead of finding a bunch of wacky stuff to trap the house, he finds your gun and shoots them.
Virgo: Your friends on Facebook request fewer updates on you.
Libra: Your New Year’s will consist mostly of eating raw cookie dough and farting just as the ball drops at midnight.
Scorpio: You will calculate that you’ll need to give at least 18 more blowjobs before 2019 to break your previous record.
Sagittarius: You will be in a hilarious car accident with a clown car. The other passengers will die from the incessant honking.
Capricorn: You’ll invent a new donut flavor called “Winter Sneeze”.
Aquarius: You’ll realize that your YouTube channel for sticking stuff up your ass, has a limited audience.
Pisces: Your franchise of rat-based cuisine doesn’t work, despite the Ratatouille tie-in.