Your Fratoscope: January 20, 2019
on January 20, 2019 at 1:54 am
If your birthday is this week: You blow out the candles, but Trump is still president.
Aries: You will see Bigfoot at a taco stand.
Taurus: You’ll spot a group of Amazon drones hunting, killing and eating a mailman.
Gemini: You’ll realize work is way more fun if you drink most of a bottle of cough syrup before you go in.
Lemini: You’ll step on a Lego and wish you were never born.
Cancer: This week, watch out for machete-wielding cosplayers on meth.
Leo: The psychic hotline will answer the phone already knowing it can’t answer your question.
Virgo: The stars say, a snowball fight using cocaine gets increasing fast and expensive the more times you hit your opponent.
Libra: You will be recruited to be in the Fast and Furious movies as the car insurance adjuster that has a heart attack.
Scorpio: You’ll discover the hard way there’s just no way to masturbate in an IKEA without one of the security cameras seeing you.
Sagittarius: A relative will leave you all his public stock in Orange Julius, allowing you to sell it and buy a medium sized drink at Orange Julius.
Capricorn: Spiderman lands on your car in the middle of a traffic jam, washes your windshield and asks you for a dollar.
Aquarius: You’ll teach a mollusk how to speak, but all it will do is body shame you.
Pisces: You’ll have to be reminded that the food samples are only what the store offers, not what you can bite through a package in the aisle.
