Your Memorial Day Fratoscope
on May 26, 2019 at 3:34 amIf your birthday is this week: The stars say, boil or grill your birthday cake made from hotdogs before you eat it.
Aries: Your Memorial Day float will be pulled over for speeding and you will lose everyone from the football team that was riding on it.
Taurus: As it turns out, no one want a hamburger that fresh. Your barbecue guests refuse to slaughter their own cows.
Gemini: You won’t get sick from those deviled eggs left in the sun, but you will fart for six hours straight afterwards.
Lemini: Don’t trust the lifeguard at the pool, he wants to get fired by letting someone drown.
Cancer: No matter how many times you flash your reporters credentials, the strippers insist that you cannot embed with them.
Leo: Your fireworks display burns a patriotic pattern in a local forest.
Virgo: You’ll wear your Veterans’ Day outfit by mistake this week.
Libra: You lose the barbecue cook off, but no one realizes you served them cat.
Scorpio: The ghost of an angry Civil War veteran chastises you for having sex on top of his grave.
Sagittarius: Your neighbor invites you to his pool party, but only because his wait staff bailed.
Capricorn: Your vegan barbecue angers everyone and you wake up tied to a spit, being slowly rotated.
Aquarius: This week, your attempt to corner the market on ketchup makes you some money, but few friends.
Pisces: You’ll blow off going to the beach to play a video game where the character gets points for doing beach stuff.