Your Fratoscope: August 30, 2015
on August 30, 2015 at 1:17 am
If your birthday is this week: Your birthday keg will be unable to hold up its birthday candles, despite being covered in icing.
Aries: You’ll suddenly realize that you never returned that video back to Blockbuster in 1995.
Taurus: Some rough looking guys from your sanitation department will throw out your mail until you remember to separate paper and plastic.
Gemini: You’ll spontaneously belch the Star Spangled Banner.
Lemini: You’ll misinterpret the phrase “dumpster diving” and break your back trying to do a three quarter turn.
Cancer: A throwing star will land near your feet and a Japanese voice from the shadows will say, “Lil’ help.”
Leo: You’ll accidentally wash your hands with barbecue sauce and then take up nail biting.
Virgo: Those collection agencies will keep calling, but the joke’s on them because you’ll be evicted this week!
Libra: Other responsibilities keep you away from loved ones, as that crack isn’t going to sell itself.
Scorpio: The store that rents you porno awards you a gold watch.
Sagittarius: Your stalker sends you a text explaining that he’s decided to stalk other people for a while.
Capricorn: You’ll discover that main ingredient in mac and cheese is not Big Macs.
Aquarius: The stars say, accept it. You suck at gardening.
Pisces: You’ll discover that your life is too laid back and that it’s almost impossible to vacation from it.
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