Super Frat

This next sketch is also from the 80’s and could probably be produced today. I think it needs a rewrite with some sharper digs at religion, but all the elements are there. The last part really should be a separate sketch, but I just jammed it in as a bonus and as some kind of ending. Jesus is a pretty universal target. Maybe I should end it with a song like this:

Jesus Christ Teaches a Religion Class
Written by Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 1984

EXT. IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL-DAY

Establishing shot of an academic-looking group of buildings.

JESUS
(voice over)
It was my first day, on my first
job at the university. If you could
have only seen how happy and full of
hope I was! Little did I realize what
ignorant plebes I would encounter
in this, my first religion class.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CLASSROOM-DAY
A GROUP OF TEN STUDENTS, including JAKE and DIRK, two football players, ALLISON and MARK, sit patiently in their seats.

JESUS
(off camera)
This is introduction to Religion,
I’m Professor Christ. If anyone’s
in the wrong class? No? Then I’ll
begin.

Allison raises her hand.

JESUS (CONT’D)
(off camera)
Yes?

ALLISON
Are those, uh, thorns on your head?

ANGLE ON PROFESSOR CHRIST

He is of course, JESUS CHRIST, dressed in a simple robe, sandals and a crown of thorns. He rolls his eyes impatiently.

JESUS
Yes, they’re thorns. My doctor advised
me that it would cause more damage to
remove them. I hardly notice them
anymore, but apparently some people can’t
put aside a handicap.

ALLISON
(feeling guilty)
Sorry.

Jesus begins passing out the syllabus.

JESUS
Don’t take it so hard, at least
you were thinking and questioning.
That’s what I want from all of you
this semester. I think you’ll find
I have a very systematic curriculum.

Mark looks at the syllabus and raises his hand.

MARK
Excuse me. You said this was Intro
to Religion, right?

JESUS
(slightly annoyed)
Yes, I believe so.

MARK
Well, I don’t understand this syllabus.

JESUS
(looks at a syllabus)
Perfectly clear to me. Week one, Matthew,
week two, Mark, week three, Luke, week—

MARK
Yeah, but, why are we doing so much on
the Bible? I mean, you don’t even cover
the Old Testament.

ALLISON
Yeah, it’s all Christianity. What about
the Hindus or the Aztecs?

JAKE
And human sacrifices!

DIRK
Dude!

Jake and Dirk high-five each other.

JESUS
Look! (regains composure) We’re going to
cover a lot of other religions. I merely
skipped the unnecessary ones and saved you
all some time. Look at page two.

MARK
Where?

JESUS
Right there!

MARK
All it says is, “Various pagans
burning in eternal torment”. Are
you a new teacher or something?

JESUS
I have been teaching for years! I
came to this institution because I
thought I would encounter students
with open minds!

ALLISON
Open minds? You’re the one that’s
limiting us to half the Bible.

JESUS
All right, we’ll do the whole Bible!

ALLISON
But I’ve read the Bible already.

JESUS
Look, if you had studied religion as
long as I have you’d realize how unbelievable
the pagan stores are. They’re just—Silly!

MARK
Silly? Isn’t there an Aztec Creation
story? And there’s a Celtic version of
Noah and the ark.

GOLDSTIEN, a student in the back adds his two cents.

GOLDSTEIN
C’mon, the syllabus isn’t written in
stone and it’s not like your the messiah.

JESUS
That’s enough from you, Goldstein!
I am a professor of theology, if you
want to learn something, stay! If not,
drop the class, but I have more important
things to discuss!

JAKE
(realizing)
Hey, I’m in the wrong class.

JESUS
Get out! You inarticulate cretin!

JAKE
Jeez, crucify me why don’t you.

JESUS
Just go!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PROFESSOR CHRIST’S OFFICE-DAY

Jesus is examining various scrolls at his desk.

JESUS
(voice over)
Sadly, most of my other classes gave
me similar resistance. If it hadn’t
been for Hammond, the Mormon student,
I would’ve never gotten through the
day. Unfortunately, my saintly presence
was giving way to a touch disposition.
Even my office provided little sanctuary.

WILL
(from outside office)
Hey, Je`sus, are you busy?

JESUS
No, no, come in.

WILL, the head of the theology department, rolls a rock away from the doorway and comes inside.

WILL
Boy, it’s cold in here! Here,the
secretary took your messages.

JESUS
(takes messages)
Thanks. Hmm. Mary, Mary, Paul,Mary—
Judas? How did he get this number?

WILL
Um, Je`sus, we’ve had a few complaints.
Well, a lot actually.
JESUS
I’m sorry, Will. I may have been a bit
overzealous my first day. I’m from the
old fashioned school. The students here
are, uh— resistant.

WILL
Well, it’s a cross we all have
to bare. If you need anything,
just call.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GARAGE-DAY
Jesus comes out of the garage and shuts the door behind him.

JESUS
(voice over)
Little did I realize, how I would
soon give up my job at the university,
abandoning my career to pursue my dream.
To have my own situation comedy with Bill Bixby!

TIM, played by Bill Bixby, comes running up to Jesus.

TIM
(panicked)
Uncle Je`sus! Mrs. Brown is coming
to check the garage! If she sees your
crucifix, we’re dead!

JESUS
Don’t worry, my boy.

Jesus raises a halo over his head, similar to the way the Martian raised his antennae in “My Favorite Martian”. Jesus disappears.

ANNOUNCER
(voice over)
Join the fun on

KEY: My Favorite Martyr

ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)
(voice over)
My Favorite Martyr! Weekdays mornings
at ten!