Your Fratoscope: Fourth of July Edition
on July 3, 2011 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: For the first time in years, your fireworks display won’t cost you any fingers. But it will cost you a tooth and all your eyebrow hair.
Aries: This will be the hottest and sexiest Fourth of July for you. An errant bottle rocket will come through your window while you’re masturbating.
Taurus: This week, you’ll regret your half-assed Uncle Sam costume. Next time, make sure you make pants for it.
Gemini: You will light your gas grill before opening the lid, thus upsetting the sleeping raccoon trapped inside.
Lemini: The stars say, you will slip into your neighbor’s backyard pool while he’s away on holiday. Unfortunately, that will wake up the pitbull he’s left behind to guard his house.
Cancer: You’ll spend the holiday working. Nice going, you commie.
Leo: The stars say, your elaborate display of patriotism goes too far. You should warn your neighbors and local police before restaging the raid that killed Osama Bin Laden.
Virgo: This week you’ll realize that the guy you just cut off in traffic is actually driving a float. What did you think those police roadblocks were for?
Libra: The ghost of Betsy Ross will come to you in a dream and remind you to take out the garbage.
Scorpio: Three out of four of your sex partners will have their genitals painted red, white and blue. Don’t give into peer pressure.
Sagittarius: Ten minutes after becoming a citizen of the United States, you will stuff yourself at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. You’ll be full, but just to get your money’s worth, you’ll eat another plate of wontons. Congrats, you truly are an American now, fattie.
Capricorn: In your drunken 4th of July haze, you’ll get sucked in by a recruitment poster. Fortunately, you don’t end up joining the army. Unfortunately, you do end up joining NAMBLA.
Aquarius: The stars say, Hulk Hogan will show up to your barbecue and sing until you give him all your hot dogs and hamburgers. You’ll do as he says.
Pisces: Congrats! You’ll win the lottery! Now you can finally buy Fox and cancel American Idol like you’ve always dreamed.
