Your Fratoscope: July 21, 2013
on July 21, 2013 at 2:10 am
If your birthday is this week: You may have had too much caffeine. You’re actually supposed to be celebrating your birthday from 2015.
Aries: Turns out, you do have fans of your blog, they just all happen to sales reps for penis enlargement medicine.
Taurus: You will receive a letter from 1995. They’ll demand that you put on your fax machine one last time.
Gemini: This week, you’ll punch a marmoset. The zookeepers will agree that the animal was being a dick.
Lemini: The NSA is not tracking you with a drone, they installed cameras in your house two years ago.
Cancer: The stars say, the problem isn’t that you’re bad at your job. It’s that your job only exists after you’ve had a couple of shrooms.
Leo: The mice in your apartment will renew your Netflix account while you’re asleep. They can’t stop watching Stuart Little.
Virgo: You will discover that action figures should not be “prizes” inside of your dinner guests strombolis.
Libra: You are far too high to read your horoscope now. Eat a bag of pita chips and chill.
Scorpio: Turns out, you can’t have sex with enough toll takers to counterbalance your EZ pass charges. Better just pay.
Sagittarius: You will discover your roommate is a werewolf. He doesn’t kill people, but he does hump the couch a lot.
Capricorn: You will be totally paranoid about your airbag deploying this week since you read it here.
Aquarius: The fish in your coy pond will whistle the theme of Duck Tales at all hours.
Pisces: Your cosplay at Comic Con goes awry, as it turns out the Human Torch does use actual fire for his costume.
