Hey Bros:
I don’t normally write comic book parodies, but I was pitching to Mad Magazine at the time and I wanted to do something that would satirize the war. Thus, Iraqi Kill Man. I don’t know what the Hell I was thinking.
MAD American Comics presents:
The Secret Origin of
Iraqi Kill Man!
Written by the worthy wordsmith: Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 2003
PANEL 1: EXT. SATELLITE SHOT OF IRAQ 1991
Draw a satellite image of Iraq noting all major cities, bodies of water and surrounding countries.
NARRATION
Iraqi Kill Man, the slayer of the desert sand’s
most sinister soldiers. Who is this mysterious
wielder of power? We take you now to his
humble beginnings. It is 1991 and the first
George Bush sends troops to defend Kuwait…
PANEL 2: ANGLE ON INFANTRY SOLDIER
This is PETER PATRIOT, later to become Iraqi Kill Man. He is dressed in standard sand infantry uniform and equipped with all the appropriate equipment for a U.S. soldier during the Gulf War. Make sure there is an American flag patch that can clearly be seen on one of his arms.
NARRATION
It is nearing the end of the conflict and Private
Peter Patriot has made his country proud. But
a freak sand storm will soon lead the unknowing
soldier to a date with destiny…
PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
Boy! What a fight! Saddam’s forces are on the
run and more and more of his men surrender
everyday. Guess they just don’t have the taste
for battle once the B2’s are finished dropping
bombs!
PANEL 3: ANGLE ON PETER
A sand storm kicks up and it’s hard for him to see. He puts his hand up to shield his eyes from the sand.
PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
I sure wish we could chase Saddam down in
Baghdad but— Hey! A sand storm! Can’t
see! Thought my platoon was right in front
of me…
PANEL 4: TWO SHOT, PETER AND MYSTERIOUS BUNKER
Peter notices a bunker near to his position despite the sand storm.
PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
Got to take some cover or I’m done for! Hey!
It’s one of the Republican Guard’s bunkers.
I-I-I was warned not to go in there, but—
Well, if I don’t, I’m a goner!
PANEL 5: INT. BUNKER-DAY
Peter climbs down into the bunker with his rifle ready. He is silhouetted by the light from the outside.
PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
Strange I didn’t see this before. I must
really be lost! Hey, what’s that strange
glow?
PANEL 6: TWO SHOT, PETER AND MISSILES
Peter has stumbled upon missiles labeled, “Bio Bombs*” in Iraqi. The missiles glow with an eerie light. He pulls out his radio.
PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
Oh, no! Weapons of mass destruction! I’ll
bet Ol’ George** will want to know about this!
EDITOR’S NOTE
*Bio Bombs.
**Peter’s name for President George Bush.
PANEL 7: ANGLE ON PETER
He tries his radio, but he’s too tired to work it.
PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
Darn! My radio’s dead and I’m feeling
woozy. So strange…
PANEL 8: ANGLE ON PETER
He turns toward the exit of the bunker, but he’s too weak to run out. The glow from the missiles now surrounds him too.
SFX: Rumble! Rumble!
PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
No! Got to get out…of bunker! Hey! What’s
that noise!
PANEL 9: TWO SHOT, PETER AND TANK
An AMERICAN TANK is about to crush the bunker. The outline of Peter can be seen inside, but the soldiers in the tank don’t see him.
TANK SOLDIER #1
Hey! Here’s a bunker we missed!
TANK SOLDIER #2
Don’t worry, “Mrs. Saddam”, we’ll bury
your son!
TANK SOLDIERS
Hahahaha!
PETER PATRIOT
(thinking)
No!
PANEL 10: ANGLE ON PETER
The tank runs over the bunker, collapsing it on Peter.
PETER PATRIOT
No! They can’t hear or see me through the
sand storm! Bunker…collapsing… Feel so
strange…
PANEL 11: ANGLE ON PETER’S AMERICAN FLAG PATCH
Peter is completely buried except for the patch. In the distance, the tank continues on its mission.
NARRATION
A tragic end to an otherwise exemplary
tour of duty. But is this end of Private
Peter Patriot?
PANEL 12: EXT. IRAQI DESERT MARINE CHECK POINT-2003
This is a marine checkpoint. A GROUP OF MARINES guards a gate on a road leading deeper into Iraq. The marines are heavily armed and armored with standard gear. Nearby sits an armored vehicle with a .50 caliber machine gun. A CARFUL OF what appear to be IRAQI CIVILIANS approaches the checkpoint. SGT. BUFFORD GUNNER gestures for the car to stop.
NARRATION
We take you now to the same Iraqi desert
some 12 years later. A new war and a new
George Bush challenges the Iraqi’s mayor
of mayhem, Saddam Hussein.
SGT. GUNNER
*
EDITOR’S NOTE
*Translated from Iraqi.
PANEL 13: GROUP SHOT
Sgt. Gunner talks with the Iraqi civilians. The DRIVER is a man and he has THREE FEMALE PASSENGERS all dressed in Iraqi civil attire. The women should be in veils. Gunner checks the driver’s papers.
NARRATION
Minutes later…
SGT. GUNNER
Well, I’m sorry, sir. We can’t let you in
Kuwait. You’ll have to return to your
home in Iraq.
DRIVER
But our homes are destroyed! Bombs
destroy everything!
PANEL 14: ANGLE ON GUNNER
In the deep background, a HAND reaches up from the sand.
SGT. GUNNER
Let me see if we can give you some water
for the ride, at least. (thinking) These poor
people. I wish I could help them.
NARRATION
Don’t worry, Sgt. Gunner. Help is on the
way in the form of a superpowered patriot!
PANEL 15: ANGLE ON SAND
A silhouetted figure emerges from the sand.
FIGURE
(thinking)
What are those marines doing? Don’t
they realize there’s a war on with these
people?! Oh…feel so strange… Like I
can…I can detect the presence of Iraqis!
Iraqi people! I’m…somehow drawing
on their…life force.
PANEL 16: ANGLE ON GUNNER AND DRIVER
The driver grabs his chest and collapses. Gunner tries to help him.
DRIVER
Unh!
SGT. GUNNER
He’s having a heart attack! Medic!
PANEL 17: GROUP SHOT OF CAR
All four of the Iraqis drop dead and fall out of the car before the MEDIC can do anything.
MEDIC
Holy Hannah! They’re all dead!
SGT. GUNNER
How can that be? It was as if something
drained the life from them!
SOLDIER
(OFF PANEL)
Sarge!
PANEL 18: ANGLE ON MACHINE GUNNER
The MARINE ON THE MACHINE GUN spots the dark figure running across the sand.
MARINE
(pointing)
We got a runner!
SGT. GUNNER
He must’ve did this! Like some kind of sniper!
Take him down!
PANEL 19: ANGLE ON DARK FIGURE
He runs across the sand with amazing speed as bullets land around him.
FIGURE
(thinking)
Incredible! It’s as if the life force
of those Iraqis have given me superhuman
speed and strength!
PANEL 20: ANGLE ON FIGURE AND BA’ATH PARTY HOUSE
This is a bombed out house that once belonged to the Ba’ath Party. The dark figure runs toward it.
FIGURE
(thinking)
Hmmm, it’s starting to wear off. I’d better
hide in this burned out Ba’ath Party house
until I figure out what’s happened to me.
PANEL 21: INT. BA’ATH PARTY HOUSE
The figure wears the tattered uniform of Peter Patriot. He comes across abandoned Republican Guard uniforms, an old Iraqi flag, debris from a patriot missile and various other odds and ends.
FIGURE
(thinking)
Can’t seem to remember who I am, but
with these incredible Iraqi Kill powers, it
doesn’t take a genius to see whose side
I’m on! I’m going to need some clothes
to fit my new powers.
PANEL 22: ANGLE ON FIGURE
He sews himself a new costume.
FIGURE
(thinking)
Since I can’t remember my old name, I’ll
have to think of a new one. Something
that befits my powers! Something that’ll
help Ol’ George end Iraqi tyranny!
PANEL 23: ANGLE ON IRAQI KILL MAN
This is the first time we see IRAQI KILL MAN in his uniform. He has hand-fashioned it from American and Iraqi uniforms. He has also made a shield from part of a patriot missile. The Iraqi flag is across his chest with a large, red circle and slash painted across it. The American flag patch is back where it belongs.
IRAQI KILL MAN
I will call myself Iraqi Kill Man! And I vow,
that I will only use my Iraqi Killing powers
for good! Never for evil! Look out, Saddam!
I’m coming to Baghdad to put a stop to you
for good!
NARRATION
Can this one man, Iraqi killing machine
deal a death blow to the demented dictator?
Join IKM on his never-ending quest to find
WMD ASAP!
