People have email me and asked, “Tony, why did you go to Montreal and what’s it like?” Well, I went there to discuss a screenplay I wrote with my producer/actor friend. Montreal and Quebec are kind of like Western Pennsylvania in French.

All the signs are French, so the stores have strange names like “Couche Tard”. I assumed that meant it sold couches made by retarded people, but it turned out that it meant “Sleep Late” in French and the store was the all nite mini-mart. I learned a little French so I could ask for the important things “tae glasse son sucrave sivouplay” “iced tea unsweetened please”. Alas, like the south, they only had the sugary kind. However, most people seemed to speak English and the rude French stereotype did not seem to pan out.

I guess it’s because Canada is so small. Even the major cities don’t seem that scary. On the street, I was checking out this girl who walked by while I was standing around with two associates. Out of the blue, a total stranger who happened to be walking by chimed in with “She’s nice, huh?” Like he was a friend of ours sharing a joke.

People get shot more often since I last visited Toronto to the west. The news said three people got shot when I was there. No one died and no one else got shot while I was up there. Our money is equal to Canada’s now, so the exchange rate really wasn’t much of a problem. (Actually, US dollars are a little ahead, but it wasn’t worth changing out my money for a few cents.)

I saw one of the highest grossing Canadian movies while I was there. It was called “Bon Cop, Bad Cop”. It’s about a cop from French Quebec teaming up with a White bread English cop from Toronto to solve a murder that happens on their border. It also ties in with hockey. It was a little too inside and the French jokes didn’t translate. Also, I know little of hockey. Still, it was pretty watchable, even if the buddy-cop formula is a little tiring.

I also met Bernie Haim, Corey Haim’s dad. Nice guy. I wouldn’t want to print anything he said about his son here because he’s very protective of him and some of the stuff he shared was pretty personal. But he did mention he’ll be on the Two Corey’s in an upcoming episode and it sounds like Corey is getting his career back on track. I’ll have to check that show out. Apparently, it’s the thing to watch if you’re in L.A.

Anyhow, without giving away too much, the trip to Montreal was a great success and I learned a lot about making low budget movies. I’ll be tweaking my screenplay this week, while my partner writes up a business plan. We’re hoping to get financing for next year. Keep your fingers crossed bros!

This was another pin up I got at Chicago. This one is done by Primo! He also had a most awesome Adam West Batman with the caption “Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb!”  Tony D is off to Montreal Canada this week to free Quebec or close a movie deal: whichever is easier.  The strip may be a little late this week.

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Cellblock W is for Weed

Yo Señor Cactus:

Me and my boyz make pipes outta almost anything. I took a hollowed out leg of a metal chair, stick a straw in the side where the screw used to go and I’m smokin’ it. You ever have to use somethin’ like that to smoke? I would not normally, but I am currently incarcerated for a crime I did not commit.

Junior, 19, East Jersey State Prison, Rahway, NJ

Dear Leg Smoker:

Cactus say, how ya get pot in prison?! If ya can smuggle an illegal substance through da bars, why not da legal pipe to smoke it den? How ya get access to da Internet ta email cactus? Why ya ask a cactus if he smoke? Cactus got no lungs, mon’! You gots lots of time, you email me back wit da answers den.

Jailhouse Cock:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I was looking to break up with my boyfriend over the weekend, but he was arrested the Friday before for stealing cars. Now he’s going to do three months in the county lock up and he says the only thing that will get him through it is knowing that I will be waiting for him. Should I lie to him or let him down?

Maryann, 20, U of Penn

Dear Prisoner’s Pussy:

Cactus say, dump him! What he gonna do? If he come after you, call the cops! He a bad criminal! Not like he gonna succeed in his crime.

The Office in Ohio:

Dear Señor Cactus:

My boss tries to be a nice guy, but no one in the office can stand him. He tries way too hard to bribe us with food, breaks and compliments, but it’s just annoying. I really can’t afford to quit and I’ve tried everything to get him to calm down. Do you have any suggestions?

Donnie, 24, Columbus, OH

Dear Boss Bitch:

Cactus say, tell him yer a Rasta and ya like ta smoke wit him some time. When ya smoke, bring him a bag of Oregano and roll a joint wit it. When he smoke, he try so hard to fit in he’ll say he is high as a kite! He won’t know da difference mon’! He call it da best weed he ever smoke! Den you sell him dime bags of Oregano every week! He won’t get less annoyin’, but ya can feel better knowin’ yer cashin’ in because he’s a pathetic moron with low self esteem.

Soon to be Signal-less in Seattle:

Señor Cactus:

I refuse to pay for cable TV, but in February 2009 there will be no transmitting TV channels anymore! What the fuck, man?! It’s like the government is stealing my TV! What can I do to stop it?

Scott, 30, Seattle, Wash

Dear Missing a few Channels from your Tuner Knob:

Da government already stole da sky, mon’. Dey just give it back to da Earth. Besides! What wrong witchu? Get with da times and steal yer neighbor’s cable like everybody else! It’s called a cable splitter mon’!

Satire Hater in NYC:

Dear Señor Cactus:

The recent cover of the New York featuring Barack Obama and his wife is so offensive! I mean, your cartoons push the limits, but that was just in bad taste. I’m interested to know what people like you think of it.

Beverly, 27, NYC U

Dear Interested Smug Bastard:

Cactus say, what do ya mean “your people”?! Dat racist against plants mon’! Oh, wait, Cactus also say, dat was sarcasm. Dat close to satire, since ya obviously don’t know what either is. When da New Yorker does its cover showin’ John McCain in a tiger cage pressin’ da button, I’m sure you’ll write another letter.

Coming soon!  Super Frat shotglasses in beer steins!

Hey bros.  Yours truly finally got his Ryesmore University license plate holder.  It’s sweet!

Super Frat has another store and this one is on Cafe Press!  Check out our beer stein, thong and much more!

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Swerving in Philly:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I drive better when I’m drunk. Would you ride with a drunk driver?

Kevin, 22, Philadelphia

Dear Future Roadside Memorial:

Ya can’t drive drunk, mon’! All dat swervin’ make ya throw up on yer passenger? Where else ya gonna do it? Yer glove compartment. Ya best ta be drivin one o’ dese:

But den again…

Dis all part of da chat in da message board mon’! Where ya been?

Wondering in LA:

Dear Señor Cactus:

My friend wants me to go see his terrible band. How do I gracefully get out of it without lying?

Danielle, 20, Los Angeles

Dear Dani-Don’t-Go:

Cactus say, when he get invited, he just go. He got no ears, so it don’t matter none how bad da band is. But it all depend on how bad ya don’t want ta go. Are ya willing ta smash yer hand wit a hammer no ta go? Or should ya just down a bottle of Ipecac?

Cactus say, learn ta lie. And if ya can’t, send us da link to da video for whatever ya do.

Zombie Fan in Florida:

Great Señor Cactus:

What’s the best way to fend off a zombie attack? Please be specific.

Roger, 19, Tampa, FL

Dear Roger of the Dead:

Cactus say, best way is ta remember if Grand Theft Auto has taught as anything, da car is da best weapon of dem all! Run dem zombies over, mon’! Ya won’t be complainin’ bout da price of gas fer yer SUV den!

Understanding Ex in Cali:

Señor Cactus:

My ex cheated on me with his maid and we broke up. After six months and dating a few other guys, I miss him. I’m thinking of taking him back, but I’m not sure it’s the wise thing to do. What do you advise?

Kelly, Marina Del Rey, CA

Dear “Wise” Woman:

Da maid? Cactus say, send dat woman dis way! Yer boy bangin’ da help he bang anyone. Dat just da tip of dat iceberg of bangin’! (Unless da maid look like da picture here.) Take him back? Cactus wouldn’t trust him ta go to da DMV by himself!

One of the fans at Wizard World Philly had the most awesome Simpson tats.  Check ‘em out.

Blinky!

Kodos?  Or is it Kang?

Don’t eat the insanity peppers!

This is my favorite.  If I lived in Springfield, I’d totally get this tattooed to me.

Brothers Hollywood and Thunderdick are in the Daily Variety.  And Super Frat gets a mention too!  Thanks bros!

Yo bros:

This weekend the Super Frat crew will be in Philly for Philadelphia Wizard World.

The Super Frat table will be at 1509.  Brother Hollywood (Christian Beranek) will be at table 1513 along with Brother Thunderdick (Ahmet Zappa) on Saturday.  Brother Inappropriate (M. Sean McManus) will also be there.  Look for the panel on Saturday, moderated by yours truly, about how to bring your comic book to Hollywood.

12:30-1:30 p.m.
HOLLYWOOD AND THE GRAPHIC NOVEL
The Wizard School Room - #202A
Join Ahmet Zappa and Christian Beranek as they discuss what it takes to navigate between graphic novels to film and back again. Moderating the discussion will be screenwriter and The Simpsons comics scribe Tony DiGerolamo.