And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Cellblock W is for Weed

Yo Señor Cactus:

Me and my boyz make pipes outta almost anything. I took a hollowed out leg of a metal chair, stick a straw in the side where the screw used to go and I’m smokin’ it. You ever have to use somethin’ like that to smoke? I would not normally, but I am currently incarcerated for a crime I did not commit.

Junior, 19, East Jersey State Prison, Rahway, NJ

Dear Leg Smoker:

Cactus say, how ya get pot in prison?! If ya can smuggle an illegal substance through da bars, why not da legal pipe to smoke it den? How ya get access to da Internet ta email cactus? Why ya ask a cactus if he smoke? Cactus got no lungs, mon’! You gots lots of time, you email me back wit da answers den.

Jailhouse Cock:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I was looking to break up with my boyfriend over the weekend, but he was arrested the Friday before for stealing cars. Now he’s going to do three months in the county lock up and he says the only thing that will get him through it is knowing that I will be waiting for him. Should I lie to him or let him down?

Maryann, 20, U of Penn

Dear Prisoner’s Pussy:

Cactus say, dump him! What he gonna do? If he come after you, call the cops! He a bad criminal! Not like he gonna succeed in his crime.

The Office in Ohio:

Dear Señor Cactus:

My boss tries to be a nice guy, but no one in the office can stand him. He tries way too hard to bribe us with food, breaks and compliments, but it’s just annoying. I really can’t afford to quit and I’ve tried everything to get him to calm down. Do you have any suggestions?

Donnie, 24, Columbus, OH

Dear Boss Bitch:

Cactus say, tell him yer a Rasta and ya like ta smoke wit him some time. When ya smoke, bring him a bag of Oregano and roll a joint wit it. When he smoke, he try so hard to fit in he’ll say he is high as a kite! He won’t know da difference mon’! He call it da best weed he ever smoke! Den you sell him dime bags of Oregano every week! He won’t get less annoyin’, but ya can feel better knowin’ yer cashin’ in because he’s a pathetic moron with low self esteem.

Soon to be Signal-less in Seattle:

Señor Cactus:

I refuse to pay for cable TV, but in February 2009 there will be no transmitting TV channels anymore! What the fuck, man?! It’s like the government is stealing my TV! What can I do to stop it?

Scott, 30, Seattle, Wash

Dear Missing a few Channels from your Tuner Knob:

Da government already stole da sky, mon’. Dey just give it back to da Earth. Besides! What wrong witchu? Get with da times and steal yer neighbor’s cable like everybody else! It’s called a cable splitter mon’!

Satire Hater in NYC:

Dear Señor Cactus:

The recent cover of the New York featuring Barack Obama and his wife is so offensive! I mean, your cartoons push the limits, but that was just in bad taste. I’m interested to know what people like you think of it.

Beverly, 27, NYC U

Dear Interested Smug Bastard:

Cactus say, what do ya mean “your people”?! Dat racist against plants mon’! Oh, wait, Cactus also say, dat was sarcasm. Dat close to satire, since ya obviously don’t know what either is. When da New Yorker does its cover showin’ John McCain in a tiger cage pressin’ da button, I’m sure you’ll write another letter.

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