If your birthday is today:  This week that old “coyote arm” thing is reversed.  Instead of you waking up next to a girl you regret sleeping with, a coyote with bite of your arm.  Irony.

Aries:  Beware of children age 6 to 12, they are just at the right age and height to punch you in the nuts.

Taurus: Spread your luck around!  It’s contagious!  I mean, the odds of you getting the swine flu were like a 100 to 1!  

Gemini:  You’re going to get a strange offer this week but keep an open mind and  it just might pay off.  Besides, your baby will be a lot happier with the family the Mexican Mafia sells her to.

Lemini:  Bad news.  That interview you thought went so well will be a hilarious bit on the Daily Show.  Don’t you know who John Oliver is yet?

Cancer:  This week you will generate new money and attract new resources.  Just try not to blow yourself up.  Like your customers, a meth lab is dangerously unstable.

Leo:  You will either become a bounty hunter or be hunted by one.  So either buy a cool new leather jacket or save your money for the hospital trip when Dog maces you in the face.

Virgo:  Ryan Seacrest will knock on your door and run away.  It might look like neighborhood kids, but trust the planets, it’s him.  Ironically, he’ll cause you to miss the end of your favorite Idol rerun.

Libra: Oh, God!  He’s in the house!  He’s in the house!  Run!

Scorpio:  You know that TV show you almost never watch?  You’ll catch and episode and it will be the same one you saw months ago.

Sagittarius:  Brace yourself, it’s going to be a wild week!  Monday is taco night and Wednesday will be taco night again!  Sorry Sagittarius, that’s as wild as a week for you gets.

Capricorn:  You will vomit in the middle of a beer pong game in front of a girl you are trying to impress.  The good news is, no one will notice that you also peed your pants.

Aquarius:  Romance a part of your week, Aquarius, if you can stop jerkin’ it for ten minutes.

Pisces:  You’ll finally get to see “The Men That Stare at Goats”, but you’ll momentarily lose track of your popcorn.  You’ll see that a woman next to you has picked up the bag and is eating from it.  Rather than confront her, you’ll sneak grabs at the popcorn while she isn’t looking.  She finally spot you when she drops the popcorn on the floor, discarding it, and you pick it up and eat it.  She’ll give you an odd look and move her seat.  That’s when you’ll discover your popcorn was hidden by the sleeve of her coat.  Nice going asshole.

This entry was posted on Sunday, November 8th, 2009 at 1:36 am and is filed under News, Your Fratoscope. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.