If your birthday is this week: You will be flooded by social media alerts from friends telling you they don’t have time to wish you a happy birthday today.
Aries: You’ll write a horrible country song about bears stealing baloney.
Taurus: You’ll realize, to your horror, that you’re woke, but you’re not that woke.
Gemini: The stars say, never fall in love with the cashier at the CVS, they can know everything about you from looking at that massive receipt.
Lemini: You’ll storm Area 52 by mistake and find a unguarded warehouse full of old jeeps.
Cancer: You’ll discover that the “freelance massage” you get on the bus is not normally offered on any other bus.
Leo: You’ll win a game of chicken, but lose a game of “Sensibly Turning Out of the Way of an Oncoming Car”.
Virgo: Somehow, you’ll impress a date by getting Chick-fil-a on a Sunday.
Libra: The Greek God Zeus will appear to you and ask you where the best place to get a gyro is.
Scorpio: The sex toy shortage is a crisis, but you’ll get through it with the supplies you have.
Sagittarius: Your investment in Sean Connery’s mansion pays off.
Capricorn: You’ll face a stiff penalty for baking obscenely shaped cookies for the church bake sale.
Aquarius: Your significant other will express their love only through memes.
Pisces: Despite your break from writing horoscopes, they’re not any funnier when you start writing them again.
