If your birthday is this week: Some sadist will bake you a gluten-free cake made from squash.
Aries: Things will get really weird in the produce aisle this week.
Taurus: Your cookie intake more than triples this week.
Gemini: This week, you’ll realize that after 12 hours, no one else is playing the Hide and Seek game you started.
Lemini: You’ll find out that the supermarket can demote you from stockboy to the guy that has to clean the customer bathrooms.
Cancer: You’ll share an awkward moment peeing with the pilot of your hot air balloon ride.
Leo: Despite your protests, your host insists that his barbecue wasn’t “pants optional”.
Virgo: You’ll say “Hello” on Twitter and everyone will call you a racist.
Libra: Your girlfriend announces that she’s “ethically monogamous” so she’ll finally tell you about all the other dudes she’s banging.
Scorpio: You’ll announce that you’re ethically monogamous so you can continue to bang other dudes.
Sagittarius: This week, China calls and asks you how much will you pay for the info about you they got from Mark Zuckerberg.
Capricorn: You’ll discover that “Check my Moles” isn’t a very popular YouTube Channel to start.
Aquarius: Putting your iPhone inside some rice doesn’t work and it really pisses off the sushi chef when you interrupt him.
Pisces: You’ll unexpectedly find money, but then again, dead bodies usually have some money on them.
