If your birthday is this week: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will jump out of your cake and call you a racist.
Aries: You will be given a back rub by a stranger who claims that he’s working as a “freelance massager”.
Taurus: The tide will come in and you’ll realize you should not have left your ice cream cake sitting on the sand.
Gemini: You’ll realize that shooting a Roman candle out of your butt is way less hilarious if you turn it the wrong way.
Lemini: You’ll be asked by Twitter to stop complaining about Game of Thrones.
Cancer: The movie you see is pretty good, but the guy whose house you broke into to watch it demands you untie him and replace the popcorn you ate.
Leo: Your Tinder date commits way more arson than you’re comfortable with on the first meet up.
Virgo: You save ten dollars by buying hot dogs for the barbecue made from squirrel.
Libra: You’ll spend most of an upcoming barbecue telling someone about your Avengers: Endgame rewrite, causing at least one suicide attempt.
Scorpio: The stars say, next time wait until nightfall before you have sex in the pool at a family gathering.
Sagittarius: Post a picture of testicles isn’t acceptable on the dating site, especially since they’re not yours.
Capricorn: This week, remember to wipe down the log flume if you pee yourself at the amusement park again.
Aquarius: Freeing the sharks you raised is met with mixed reviews at the beach this week.
Pisces: A host of brand new opportunities are heading your way, mostly in clickbait form.
