Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  You will get a birthday cake from the New Jersey bakery and it will smell like Axe body spray.

Aries:  The teller at the bank giggles while depositing your paycheck.

Taurus:  Bill Maher will personally chastise you twice this week in his monologue.

Gemini:  A UFO lands in your backyard and asks you to tell Trump not to tweet about it.

Lemini:   The girls on your dating app all vote to have your profile removed from rotation.

Cancer:  You will make unusually long eye contact with a cow, but it will leave the bus before you have a chance to talk.

Leo:   You’ll realize that the public toilet you’re pooping in is just part of a movie set.

Virgo:  The consignment shop gives you money for your clothes so they can burn them.

Libra:   Your YouTube Channel comments are nasty and your mother simply doesn’t know when to stop posting them.

Scorpio:  The swingers club members get together for an Intervention and tell you that you’re a sex addict.

Sagittarius:  Your town appoints you in charge of the indoor fireworks festival.

Capricorn:   The stars say, the ATM will never accept that money you printed.

Aquarius:  Just because it’s blueberry season, doesn’t mean you need to hunt the bushes with a shotgun when a pistol will do.

Pisces: You’ll write a book in a week. Seriously. It’s going to be awesome.