If your birthday is this week: Your mother calls to remind you that your birthday’s not all about YOU!
Aries: You step on a crack and your mother calls complaining that her favorite football team lost.
Taurus: Despite the tasteful nudity, your mother doesn’t like her card.
Gemini: You ignore your mother’s advice and start your Game of Thrones show blog anyway.
Lemini: It turns out, your mother lied and you weren’t adopted.
Cancer: Your mother loves the flowers, but asks for the receipt for “no reason”.
Leo: Your mom shows everyone her birthing video of you and again, chastises you for your large head.
Virgo: Your mother doesn’t get her candy, but her mailman does come down with diabetes.
Libra: You will be forced, after the fire, to explain why cooking you breakfast in bed is taking it too far.
Scorpio: Your mother will let you borrow her discount card for the local sex dungeon.
Sagittarius: Your ma puts you on hold because an important telemarketer is calling.
Capricorn: You will share a brief hug from your mom before she’s taken back to her cell.
Aquarius: Your mother insists on making dinner on Mother’s Day, which is awkward because you’re already at the restaurant where you booked reservations.
Pisces: You mother’s cool, which is why you’re out of pot.
