If your birthday is this week: Your Facebook friends send you messages explaining that they won’t have time to wish you happy birthday this year.
Aries: Instead of giving you a ticket, the meter maid will chastise you for your poor taste in automobiles.
Taurus: You’ll get so high, you’ll realize you’ve been fishing in a swimming pool for hours. Then you’ll realize you’re so high, you forgot to take drugs.
Gemini: The Mormons will knock, but when they see you they’ll just mutter “Never mind” and run away.
Lemini: The stars say, let it all hang out, it’s the only way to clear up the mold on your genitals.
Cancer: You’ll be approached for a business opportunity, but the homeless guy’s investment opportunity won’t come to fruition.
Leo: Tinder cancels your account, gives you a refund and sends you links to sex doll retailers in your area.
Virgo: You’ll see a 40-something woman beat the crap out of a boy scout who attempts to help her across the street.
Libra: The Ecuadorian embassy in London tells you they now have that room for rent, but you’ll have to share it with a cat.
Scorpio: You’ll be embarrassed when the person you’re cheating on bumps into the other person you’re cheating on.
Sagittarius: You’ll discover that just wearing bathing suit liner is not enough for the people at Arby’s.
Capricorn: Fewer people will get stabbed at your Game of Thrones party this year, but it will be no less horrific and tragic.
Aquarius: You get one of the lyrics wrong from Pirates of Penzance and the cops tell you that you’ve failed the drunk test.
Pisces: You’ll spend four fuckin’ hours correcting an error on your fuckin’ blog that takes fuckin’ forever! (Sorry. Took forever to post this!)
