If your birthday is this week: You discover that your green birthday cake is too Irish, it has clover-flavored icing.
Aries: You have the luck of the Irish, so your boss doesn’t notice how drunk you come into work this week.
Taurus: You capture a leprechaun, but he’ll insist he’s just a very short maintenance guy with red hair.
Gemini: Your Irish jig goes underappreciated in the public toilet at the bus station.
Lemini: You’ll finally prove your theory that there’s no mint in Shamrock Shakes, but then you’ll be beaten up by a clown, a burglar and a large purple guy.
Cancer: You’ll spend the week drunk, so next week’s fortune is going to be totally messed up.
Leo: You’ll successfully clone a four-leaf clover, but the clone will immediately commit an amazing casino heist and escape to South America.
Virgo: The stars say, not only will you not catch the leprechaun, but he’ll steal your car.
Libra: You’ll get drunk and borrow a time machine and that’s how the Hindenberg crashes.
Scorpio: Your genitals will stay green long after the St. Patty’s Day orgy, so see a doctor.
Sagittarius: A very tired Easter Bunny will greet you at his door, complain about you waking him up, hand you a calendar and tell you to get the fuck out.
Capricorn: You’ll discover that Captain Marvel isn’t any better if you’re drunk.
Aquarius: Although the guy from the Craigslist ad attempts to take you hostage, he still sells you the couch.
Pisces: You need to get your leprechaun addiction under control, fortunately, you can afford rehab.
