If your birthday is this week: All your friends come to your birthday party, but then again your cats are always at your place anyway.
Aries: You will accidentally swipe right on a picture of a pizza on Tinder and have no regrets.
Taurus: You’ll realize that you’re actually an android, but the good news is that it helps your credit rating.
Gemini: A telemarketer will hang up on your because you sound boring.
Lemini: Your parents tell you that it’s time to move out…of the state.
Cancer: You’ll invent a new flavor of ice cream called “Filthy Hobo”.
Leo: The people in line at the ATM will get into a discussion about your smell.
Virgo: It turns out, the government has been spying on you, but only because they like your choices on Netflix.
Libra: Your iPhone will send you an alert to buy some breath mints.
Scorpio: You will have a sensual encounter with a toll taker.
Sagittarius: This week, you’ll realize hitting on that girl is inappropriate until you exchange insurance information.
Capricorn: You will be asked to leave a Wal Mart because of your clothing.
Aquarius: You’ll be struck by two different kinds of fast food containers while walking this week.
Pisces: You’ll steal from work, which is extra dangerous since you took that gig at the Aquarium.
