If your birthday is this week: Your Communists friends will insist on getting an equal number of gifts at your birthday party.
Aries: You’ll realize that marketing a barbecue-flavored soda isn’t going to make you money.
Taurus: You’ll realize you don’t have a food fetish, you’re just fat.
Gemini: Your book about bringing inanimate objects to life, will get up and run away.
Lemini: You’ll be fired from your cake decorating job for writing “Fuck You” in icing on everything.
Cancer: This week, you’ll realize not to stiff the Starbucks barista when she makes your latte with dirt.
Leo: Your cat will sue you for defamation for calling her a “bad kitty”.
Virgo: The girls at the massage parlor assure you that you don’t have to buy them candy for Valentine’s Day.
Libra: You will find the answers to life’s mysteries inside an abandoned Mets mascot uniform.
Scorpio: You’ll be taught the meaning of “pegging” during a surprise demonstration.
Sagittarius: Your ice cream man will start delivering ice cream sandwiches using ex-paperboys, so if you don’t hear the ice cream hit the stoop you’re going to have a mess on your hands.
Capricorn: You’ll get baked in your backyard, then trim all your shrubs to look like bongs.
Aquarius: The circus will turn you down, but the Freak Show will keep your resume on file for three months.
Pisces: You’ll manage to hack the computers at Chick-fil-a and give yourself unlimited waffle fries for life.
