If your birthday is this week: You’ll realize as you walk into your birthday party that “being cheeky” doesn’t mean arriving without pants.
Aries: You will spend most of the time huddle in bunkers during your Afghanistan vacation.
Taurus: Aliens abduct you, but free you after you reveal your pin number.
Gemini: You’ll turn on the wrong burner on the stove and the person who owns the house you’re in immediately points it out.
Lemini: The approval ratings will come out and you’ll rank between an expired sandwich and a tick.
Cancer: A gas station attendant will criticize your wardrobe choices.
Leo: You’ll realize that Google is fixing your searches so you can’t find any links outside midget incest porn.
Virgo: Your cat will demand more tuna and bring into lawyers to intimidate you into complying.
Libra: You’ll be giving the ownership of the cigar store since you’re the only customer that’s still alive.
Scorpio: You’ll be traded for a pack of smokes, but the guy you end up at least buys you dinner first.
Sagittarius: Your snowman freezes, falls over and crushes a slow squirrel.
Capricorn: The pope grants you an audience, but only if you’ll play Fortnite with him.
Aquarius: The stars say, an actual barrel full of monkeys isn’t as fun as it sounds unless there’s a lid.
Pisces: You’ll find a new source of even cheaper Ramen, where the company pays you twenty cents every time you eat a package.
