If your birthday is this week: Your haunted birthday cake will turn into a a haunted poop.
Aries: You’ll eat some garlic bread that’s more garlic than bread, which saves you from the vampire, but dooms you with the Italian Werewolf.
Taurus: You will a leave a candy bar in the wash and make your clothes smell like chocolate.
Gemini: An overweight Batman with a mustache will pull you over and demand to see your license and registration.
Lemini: The stars say, relax. The age of consent with puppets is much lower than humans you sick perv.
Cancer: You’ll learn plenty of new curse words today after getting arrested and refusing to give the bigger inmate in the county lock up your shoes.
Leo: Although the bake sale didn’t specifically forbid penis-shaped cakes in their rules, they throw you out anyway.
Virgo: You’ll find out the hard way shitposting isn’t literal.
Libra: Don’t make any sudden moves when the pizza man arrives, he’s high on meth.
Scorpio: Turns out that girl you met on Tinder was really a couch you bought on Craigslist, but the sex was still good.
Sagittarius: This week, you’ll go mudding inside the garden center of two different department stores.
Capricorn: The pet adoption gets out of hand and you go home with a walrus.
Aquarius: You will miss a dear friend today. Fortunately, you’ll steer off the sidewalk at the last second.
Pisces: You’ll find the secret of the universe on a Google search, but YouTube will have censored before you can watch.
