If your birthday is this week: The girl that jumps out of your cake fills it with farts.
Aries: This week, you’ll step in some poop, but fortunately it’ll be yours.
Taurus: You’ll get into a fist fight with at least two major league mascots.
Gemini: A very late trick or treater demands candy and then sobs on your stoop for several minutes.
Lemini: You’ll turn down the opportunity to time travel because you cannot go through the 2016 election again.
Cancer: Your car will be sideswiped by a blimp.
Leo: Someone will fill your mailbox with mayonnaise, which works out great for lunch the first two days it’s there.
Virgo: You will meet the girl of your dreams, but unfortunately you’ve been having nightmares about being harassed by a woman that works for the IRS.
Libra: You’ll mix up your Tinder and Craigslist emails and end up having sex with someone that wanted to buy your couch.
Scorpio: The brothel turns you down, saying that you’re overqualified to work there.
Sagittarius: The supermarket gives you a free turkey, then sells you turkey feed and a pen for it.
Capricorn: You’ll realize a llama makes a terrible apartment roommate, but not as bad as the monkey.
Aquarius: Confusing the driving range at the golf course with the gun range, makes for an interesting police report.
Pisces: Your growing insanity and paranoia only confirms that everyone’s out to get you.
