If your birthday is this week: The good news about your poorly attended birthday celebration is that you get to eat all the cake yourself!
Aries: You’ll discover that Stop, Drop and Roll doesn’t work if your credit card is declined.
Taurus: Your accountant will advise you not to invest with that guy you met in the mall parking lot.
Gemini: Your pizza topping spells out a message, but it’s in Chinese and you’re too hungry to wait for the translator.
Lemini: The stars say, no matter how good it smells, drinking hand sanitizer is a bad idea.
Cancer: You will be flashed at a Staples and when you tell the cops they are shocked to learned that there’s still a Staples chain of stores.
Leo: You will lose a croquet tournament to two kids standing on each other shoulders in a trenchcoat.
Virgo: You will be baited into an argument with a garden gnome.
Libra: Your college protest breaks up early after every becomes too high to remember what they were outraged about.
Scorpio: The aliens free you after you enjoy the anal probing a little too much.
Sagittarius: There will be an image of Martin Short burned into your grilled cheese.
Capricorn: You will regret parking your car in the middle of a kickball game.
Aquarius: The casino will assure you that it cannot take hookers at collateral no matter how hot they are.
Pisces: You’ll realize that if the badge is drawn in crayon, he’s probably not a real cop.