If your birthday is this week: The Amazon drone files a sexual harassment suit against you.
Aries: After pointing out a mistake your boss made, ICE agents “deport” you back to your cubicle.
Taurus: Your cat will beat you in a game of Othello, but fortunately, he can’t speak English to tell anyone.
Gemini: Your former paperboy is caught throwing an iPad onto everyone’s stoop.
Lemini: You’ll come to the sad conclusion that you’ll never go viral.
Cancer: You’ll watch as the CVS gives God a receipt so large, even he can’t fit it in his pocket.
Leo: You’ll spot Morgan Freeman on the side of the road attempting to narrate traffic.
Virgo: You friend that’s been playing tag for the last 30 years is finally locked in an insane asylum.
Libra: The stars say, don’t eat that cupcake. Your friend’s kid licked it and put it back.
Scorpio: You’ll realized you never properly thanked your neighbor for letting you screw his spouse.
Sagittarius: Halfway through a bowl of Milk Duds you’ll realize you’re eating very chocolatey rabbit turds.
Capricorn: The bank decides not to honor the money you printed.
Aquarius: You’ll give another Q&A to the garden gnomes in your backyard.
Pisces: You’ll come home brain fried after a comic book convention and write a comedy horoscope that barely makes any kibble.
