If your birthday is this week: Your other personalities pick the worst theme for your surprise birthday party: isolation.
Aries: Someone will replace your soft serve ice cream with chemical tasting foam.
Taurus: You will lose your pants at the supermarket again.
Gemini: Your gambling addiction finally pays off so you can concentrate on your drug addiction.
Lemini: Your school rejects your scholarship application because they do not consider “douchebags” a minority.
Cancer: You will be ejected from a fancy party because of your ziplining entrance.
Leo: The raccoons in your trashcans go on strike and demand that you throw healthier food.
Virgo: You will win a kick in the ass from Russel Crowe during a movie contest giveaway.
Libra: Marvel Comics rejects your story proposal because their characters almost never spend an entire issue waiting in line at Chipotle.
Scorpio: Your Lego sex doll causes you to severely chafe.
Sagittarius: You will text a new love, but autocorrect creates a sentence where you compare their genitals to a goat’s.
Capricorn: You’ll wake up on an Amish farm, chained to a butterchurn with everyone referring to you as “Jebediah”.
Aquarius: The IRS asks you how much blood is currently in your body and assures you there’s no reason for the question.
Pisces: You accidentally sell some crack at the yard sale and now your one neighbor wants you to have a yard sale every day.
