If your birthday is this week: The birthday clown will beg you to lend him a little dignity, but it’s funnier when you drop the live crab down his pants.
Aries: Your attempt at aging your own steak meat ends at the hospital.
Taurus: The stars say, you’ll never get back those 90 minutes if you attempt to watch Cloud Atlas.
Gemini: Doing whip-its in the dairy aisle of the store is how your shopping cart ends up full of nothing but potato chips.
Lemini: This week, the IRS will try and seize your belongings, but you’ll move your shopping cart where they can’t find it.
Cancer: You’ll hurt your back bad enough to get some really good drugs, but you’ll try not to take them because you’d rather be well when you get high.
Leo: Your local boy scout troop eggs your house and then demands $20 so it won’t happen again.
Virgo: You will meet the person of your dreams, unfortunately in your dream that person stole your iPad.
Libra: You catch an Amazon drone trying to steal your newspaper.
Scorpio: You realize you really need to cut back on your dildo budget.
Sagittarius: Facebook will politely request that you crop your face out of your pictures.
Capricorn: You’ll realize that the half-price lottery tickets you bought were from the previous week.
Aquarius: Those meddling kids ruing your plan to scare people away from the abandoned amusement park.
Pisces: You’ll realize eating a bag of sugar requires that you be in better shape.
